A Whirlwind of a July

So in Utah July is always kind of a blur. We celebrate the birth of our nation on the Fourth of July and then we celebrate our ancestors on the twenty-fourth for Pioneer Day.  My birthday falls between the two. It is a lot of celebrating in one month.
 My birthday was awesome. I didn't want big plans this year, we kept it low key and it was perfect. I spent the day in the backyard kiddie pooling with Jack, my sisters, and a bunch of Jacks cousins. Parker and I went on a quick dinner date, but headed home to spend the evening blowing bubbles and hanging out with Jack and Dax.

The 24th we spent poolside. Jack was thrilled to have a whole extra day with daddy! But last night we had a special family night with my whole family. My Beckstead ancestors settled South Jordan. There is a museum with a replica of their home and a bunch of really cool things. We got to go after hours, just our family so we had the place to ourselves. It was such a fun way to honor our ancestors and get in touch with our roots. 

Great-grandpa Jack, Grandpa Jack, Little Jack 

Then we went to the cemetery where my dads grandfather, his great grandfather, and  his great great grandfather are all buried. 

In other news, Jack is finally sleeping. I am talking consistent naps, and for 10-12 hours at night. It is a whole new world. 

He wants to help me with whatever I am doing. 

He is just getting more and more handsome the older he gets. 

He is driving. … well kind of. 

And Jack is always climbing on me. I feel like I am more jungle gym than mama some days. 

From Baby to Boyhood

Ten things that make me feel like Jack is more toddler than baby.

He is tall. So so tall. I swear nothing is out of his reach.

We have to change his diaper, and his clothes, while he is moving.

He comes cruising to the bathtub whenever he hears the water running.

He eats PBJs and Mac and Cheese. And he shares with the dog.

He is covered in bruises and bumps.

He likes to play pass.

He waves hello and goodbye, gives high fives, and is learning to blow kisses.

He manages to get dirty everyday.

He laughs when we do.

He gives real hugs. Puts his arms around our necks and squeezes tight.

My little one seems all sorts of grown up these days.  

Thyroid Half Full

Basically your thyroid is a butterfly shaped gland in your neck. It isn't very big. It weighs less than an ounce. But its pretty dang important. It plays a leading role in all sorts of bodily functions from metabolism to heart rate. If you already knew all this you are ahead of me.
I didn't know any of this until this summer. I mean I knew I had a thyroid and roughly where it was but I didn't really know what it did.
My thyroid had something hopefully yours doesn't. It's called a toxic nodule. In other words a big lump on the right side of my thyroid that was working way too hard and producing way too much thyroid hormone. It gave me this thing called hyperthyroidism. Which isn't good.
If you have hyperthyroidism or know some one who does you know it makes you loose weight. I know right? Doesn't seem like that big of a problem. But it is. Trust me. You also can't sleep at night. Your heart races and you feel anxious. And after awhile that overworking thyroid starts to make you so so so tired.
There are a few different ways you can go about fixing this hyperthyroid thing. But for me and my thyroid, surgery was the best option. Right-Hemi-Thyroidectomy. Which basically means taking the right wing off of the butterfly. And with it, my toxic nodule.
So yesterday that's exactly what we did.
The left side of my thyroid has a cold nodule. Which can be a tricky little thing. But right now isn't hurting me. So we will watch it like a hawk. The hope is to keep half of my thyroid in at least long enough to get some more little Robertson's here. Because lets get real, we make cute babies.
This whole process has been long and trying. I got my first concerning blood panel back at in May. I feel like ever since I have been in the doctor every other day. I haven't been but I felt like that.
In the beginning my doctor was positive. "It's probably nothing, but we should check to be sure." Then it would be something. I felt like things kept getting worse and worse. Pretty soon we had ruled out all of the easy fixes and it was time to test for the big ones. Every test I had came back with more questions and more concerns and with the outcome we didn't want. Every time it could have been better, it just got worse.
One test came back and I was told I had a 50% chance of having cancer. I don't. But it was scary.
Up until that point Parker and I had been dealing with most of this on our own. Just kind of shrugging it off saying it wasn't that big of a deal. But this was the point when it became to heavy to carry all on our own.
My whole family dropped what they were doing to come be with us. Parker and I were both given blessings. We all knelt together in family prayer. That night I went to bed feeling peaceful and hopeful for the first time in a long time.
That is when things changed. My biopsy came back clean. No thyroid cancer. From that point on we kept getting good news. The chance I could keep half of my thyroid. I was able to slip in and get an earlier surgery date than expected. More and more good news.
There is not a doubt in my mind that things started to turn around for us because of the prayers coming form our friends and families. My in-laws, my brothers and sisters, my parents, our friends, and the army of faithful children I am privileged to call my nieces and nephews. Those kids have so much faith. I am so glad I have them on my side. I know these prayers have been lifting me up and holding me together, even healing me. Because every time it could have been worse, it got better.
The love we have been shown is in a word, overwhelming. Everyone rallied for us. And I am so so grateful.
Yesterday I got to keep half of my thyroid. We didn't know for sure I could until they got in there and did another biopsy. When I woke up and Parker told me, I was filled to the brim with relief and gratitude. Half a thyroid is better than no thyroid.
It is going to be a bit of a battle to get healthy again. I should recovery from the surgery pretty quickly. But my half a thyroid needs to learn how to function like a whole thyroid. Which isn't going to feel very good.  It is going to be hard physically, mentally, and emotionally.
But I have been blessed so much all ready. I know it will all be okay.
To those of you have kept us in your prayers and on your hearts we can't thank you enough. I can't thank you enough.
 To my sisters and mom who have taken care of Jack and shuttled me from appointment to appointment, I would be so lost with out you.
And to Parker. ..There really are no words. You continue to be my safe place to land. My strength. Thank you for holding my hand just as tightly on the worst days as you do on the best. And for washing my hair in the sink this morning.
I never want to forget the outpouring of love we have received throughout this whole experience. So I'm putting it here.

 Time  with my sisters and mom after my surgery yesterday.

Snuggling my boy after not being with him all day. I am so glad there are so many people who love him. When I can't be with him, I know he is being taken care of. 

Scenes from our Fourth

The 4th of July is my favorite holiday. Yep. Not Christmas. Christmas isn't even my second favorite holiday. Thanksgiving is. So I was pretty dang excited for Jacks first Fourth.
We swam all morning and it was positively perfect. We had planned to watch the fireworks at the baseball game that evening. But we only made it through the top of the first inning. I got really sick and we had to leave. To be honest the rest of the day was a total bummer.
I am so thankful we got to do some fireworks on the fifth!! Jack loved them. We laid on the grass and watched the sky light up. It was magical and wonderful and everything I wanted. It made up for the night before ten times over.

Being the Mama he Deserves

Mama Guilt is an unfortunate universal truth. 

Here's the thing. You have a baby. A beautiful, wonderful, perfect baby. Right away you instinctively want to give your child the world. Because they are deserving of every good thing.  All of the sudden you are filled with this intense desire to be the perfect parent for your perfect baby. 

That's how I feel anyway. 

The problem? There is no such thing as a perfect parent. 

Parenthood brings on a whole new level of responsibility. It's a lot of pressure. If you would like to add to that pressure go ahead and wade through all the baby books and research filled with all sorts of conflicting expert opinions. The one thing they all will tell you - one wrong move and your child will be messed up for life.  

I try not to get sucked into all that. I really do. But...

We have a lot of really good days. Days when productivity is high but we still have time to play outside. We can take our time getting all sorts of messy eating yummy food. Read lots of books, and swing on the back porch late into the evening. Days with an abundance of laughter and peek-a-boo. 

But we also have days where we don't get anything done or go anywhere. Days where I feel like we are on a small row boat with a big hole in the bottom. And it's all I can do to keep us afloat while simultaneously rowing towards shore and scooping out buckets of water. Basically it is the difference of thriving and merely surviving. And when I try to go to bed I just feel bad that we had a bad day. That I wasn't the mama he deserves. It sounds dramatic because well, it is dramatic. Sleep deprivation will make you dramatic. 

The other day we had a particularly hard day and a particularly hard night. The next morning I woke up really early to Jack Vincent babbling. For the past two weeks he has been sleeping in a makeshift bed on the floor next to ours. As far as I can tell he will be sleeping there until we move him into a college dorm room. I pulled him into bed, lay him in-between us hoping he might fall back asleep but instead he just starts laughing. He kept kissing both of our cheeks and grabbing our faces. So we kissed him back and tickled his sides.

I kept thinking I love him so much. In that moment I felt good about things. He knows he is loved. He doesn't know the word even though I say it a million times a day. But he knows he is loved. And safe. And he is so happy. Even after a hard day, he knows. 

I can do that. I can't be perfect. I can't make everyday perfect. But I can make sure he knows he is loved. And if I can do that, I am doing a pretty good job. I am being the mama he deserves. 

`

River Monsters

Today we had a picnic at the park. We put our blanket in the shade near an ankle deep creek. I foolishly thought Jack would be content to play on the bank and watch his cousins play in the water. But, true to his nature, he jumped right in. 

Jack splashed around in the water and played with rocks. I hovered over him desperately trying, and failing, to keep him from eating the river mud. I thought he would be put off by the cold water. But he splashed, dug, and played. He only cried when I made him get out. It was a pretty big adventure for such a little boy.